The Legacy of Apartheid Ruins Another Marriage

me: The first gay couple to get married in South Africa wore safari outfits to their wedding! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6199922.stm

Haley: they are really cute despite the creepiness of being white south africans in safari outfits

me: I think being a white South African is creepy enough, regardless of your clothes

Distance Makes The Heart, And Libido, Grow Stronger

Robertoso christina was nice enough to pick me up, I bought toiletries at CVS and went out with them that night

and just stayed over and rode the metro back home, parents picked me up

Pierre: quite an excursion

Roberto: yea, kinda weird

Pierre: you should totally blog about it!

blogging is the hot new thing

Roberto: ha, I've heard!

Pierre: hotter and newer than social networking or music downloads

Roberto: I'd been gone from home for like 1.684 weeks straight

Pierre: but not as new as teledildonics

Roberto: yea, that's bleeeding edge

if you use it wrong

Bring Me a Cross, I Shall Nail Thyself To It

Tech Guy: god this is annoying

Office Guy: haha

why

Tech Guy: cause people are retarded

so much interference in the way of making a decision

Office Guy: hehe

Tech Guy: Now I know how Jimmy Stewart felt when he was a senator

Girl v. City, Round 1

Ana: i busted my face last night
Naomi: ha

on what?!

Ana: i walked into a fuckingTREE

Naomi: HAHAHAHAHA

Ana: i have a black eye!

and a cut on my cheekbone!

Naomi: city's dangerous, yo

Ana: LOL

The Internet Is Just Like That Mean Girl In High School

Small Jewish Lesbian: hav you done the celeb look alike thng?

Blond Jewish Lesbian: YES!

and i hated it because it said i look like david schwimmer

you?

SJL: i got a bunch of boys

and dakota fanning

i did it twice

the first time was awful

i got Ruben Studdard

BJL: hahaha

NO WAY!!!

amazing!!

SJL: and eddie murphy

and andy warhol

BJL: HAHA

wow

SJL: and charlie chaplin

BJL: i forgot that you were black

SJL: me too

the second time i got matthew perry, elvis costello

larry king

but Ruben made me feel bad

he's like 400 pounds

BJL: oh dear

but at least he's rich

The Missing Link

Internet Scrabble Guy 1: you know who is really fucking ugly?

Internet Scrabble Guy 2: ha, who?

ISG 1: billy jean king

ISG 2: that's mean

ISG 1: sorry

ISG 2: she's pretty dyked out now, but she was considered somewhat of
a sex symbol in her heyday

ISG 1: a sex symbol to whom? androgynous monkeys?

ISG 2: no the avg joe

ISG 2: same dif

Love in the Time of Hemuel

LezBot: we said i love you over the weekend

LezTron: you said I love you!

how did it happen

LezBot: ummmm, well, she had been annoying all night

like really REALLY drunk

and like, crying onthe street corner LezBot: because she was all hung up on me asking her to do coke

and her dad's been calling her

which makes her trip out

so

i dunno

she was pissing me off

but in my head

i was like, wow

i love her

like, even though she's relly annoying right now

im totaly in love

and we were at this really evil club

becca cries evertime we go there

its a weird place

i dont think we'll go back.....

but, anyways

when we finally made it back to my house

walking like 15 blovks in the rain rain rain

we were in bed

and she was like, im falling in love with you

and i was like. i think im already there

and thats why i let you come home with me
LezTron: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh LezBot: awesome

its a much nicer story than mine and [Redacted]'s i love you

LezBot: what was yours?

LezTron: drunk - left cattyshack

walking home

she said it first

I said "no you don't"

this went back and forth for a few minutes

she finally convinced me

i told her i did too

and then I peed in between two parked cars

Planning Ahead is a Must

Snugget: I want to wear a game ranger outfit to my wedding

me: I thought you wanted to wear a a superhero outfit

Snugget: I wanna wear it under a game ranger outfit

and then switch in a phone booth

before the vows

Light in the Tofu

me: also, how am I supposed to know what to eat anymore

everything is bad for you

Snugget: oh you mean soy?

me: yeah

it makes you gay and gives you cancer!

A Whorible Morning

Naomi: just called out of work!

god i love quitting things

8:45 AM it feels so good!

me: what do you mean you called out of work?

Naomi: as in not going

migraine alibi

me: nice

8:46 AM Naomi: are you all done iwth finals?

me: nope

sadly

I have one at 1 and a paper due tomorrow at 4

Naomi: that sucks

me: are you going home today or just playing hookie

8:47 AM is that even how you spell hookie?

Naomi: hookie

no idea

me: I hate studying

Naomi: i have some grad school shit i need to do though so it won't be all fun and games, though i will get to watch 2 episodes of early 90210 which was perhaps the main impetus for calling in sick

yeah study=0

8:48 AM me: less than 0

Naomi: study<0

me: like the Bret Easton Ellis novel

and 1987 film classic of the same name

I'll be doing lines of coke of my whore's inner thigh at, oh, say noon

Naomi: so good

hahah

8:49 AM will you be bathed in neon lights?

me: yes

Naomi: cause if not, you're not legit

me: plase call me Blair

Naomi: ok

i'll be andrew mccarthy

me: damn, if only we had a Robert Downey Jr.

and a dreamy James Spader

8:50 AM Naomi: mm yeah

or that guy who rapes rdj

:(

me: I think rape deserves more than a frowning emoticon

Naomi: hmm nope

me: but yes, I understand the sentiment

Oh ok

you're right

Naomi: i was actually frowning b/c we didn't have a guy to play him

me: it was a moving emoticon after all

8:51 AM oh ha ha HA HA

you're prioroties are in just the righ tplace

Naomi: :)

um ok so i'm just going to tell you this b/c i think it's so important but it is embarrassing, so please refrain from judgement at least outwardly

8:52 AM friendster horoscopes really actually predict the future/present

me: predicting the present is just narrating

Naomi: interesting counterpoint

yes you are right

me: I can do that

Naomi: yes but how do they know!

they're a machine!!

8:53 AM me: it's the internet man

Naomi: one day i was supposed to see 'the holiday' the movie and my 'scop[e actually said, "resist the urge to see bad movies"

me: NO WAY

Naomi: YES

WAY

THEN

me: gee, I can't imagine the internet could guess that movie would be bad

Naomi: ha ha hai was in the burg

it wasn't and i went anywy

8:54 AM me: I mean, the previews made it look like fun family fare

Naomi: yeah it was

they didn't put jack black to good use

but jude was tan and gorge

if sleazy

THEN!

8:55 AM i got the best cab driver ever home from the burg the other day. he was really awesome and friendly and sassy. i got home, not two hours past midnight and my 'scope said, "you will have an amazing exchange with someone from the service sector"

8:56 AM !!!

me: wow, you can't beat that

I mean how often do you get great service

I gotta get back to studying

8:57 AM check adn see if y our horoscope says "Your gchatting friend will get an A on her globalization final"

because if it does, it's not worth shit

'cause I won't

ciao

Naomi: l8r